Entering third week in the hospital, third time on life support. He is too weak following the shock to clear his lungs so the left one keeps collapsing. He is on call for another bronchoscope and a second tracheotomy.

It all happened so fast. So unexpected. I didn’t know the signs. I do now.

I am living at the hospital in the ICU again. Same visiting limitations as before. Kicked out for 90 minutes 2x per day. No food or drink and an uncomfortable recliner to rest in. As usual, there is no sleep in a hospital. The patients lose track of night and day because the staff shows them no difference. Daytime people come in to do procedures or take blood. Talk normal and have conversations. Night time is no different. I mean we had to request the not give him a bath at 4:30 am. Who takes a bath at four fucking thirty in the morning unless required for survival? I really think, and I’m talking with only our experience with hospitals, that if they made some small changes their patients would subconsciously recognize night and day. How about using a headlamp instead of turning on every goddamn light in the room? Talking in whispers instead of joking and laughing. Save regular hygiene for normal times instead of unheearthly hours? Why is it so fucking hard to manage this shit?  The alarms are bad enough. Why have every other aspect completely upended for the convenience of the staff?

I am venting and I admit I am exhausted. I have been here after work, over night for 3 days and will not be able to go home for another 2. While he is hospitalized we do not recieve hours from the state. In order to keep the CG we just got set up, we have to pay them out of pocket. They have families to support. They need to work. I can manage for a few weeks but then I don’t know what we will do. We have nothing to sell, no way to get extra income. I have no sick time left so if I had to train someone new, I would not get paid. We cannot afford that scenario either. We’ll have to figure something out.

Just the usual wait, wait, wait and wait some more in the ICU in the shitty chair. The only positive thing is he actually has a wound care nurse tending his sores. She said the same thing we encountered. The wound was not infected but was stagnating in the healing. We were trying light therapy to encourage it. She has the negative pressure suction thing she has put on it for the past 8 days and it has helped it heal faster.

One month today in the hospital. By the 18th this will be his longest stay in ICU. His tracheotomy is 10 days done but he can only manage a few hours off the ventilator. He went 24 hours and his left lung filled with secretions and he had to have another bronchoscopy. They have started to get him up in a chair for an hour or so. Hoping he can get outside within a few days.

Another Thanksgiving and Christmas in the hospital. I’m so sick of this place. So sick of the limited food they offer. So tired of not being home. I cannot imagine how Colin must feel.